Quentin

I think it went down.

I couldn’t even describe what it is.
I’m neither up, nor down.
I can get to this bit,
I’m not there yet.

I’m still who
I was before.
Where I am now is 
where I was
before I went away.
I don’t know how
I feel about that.
the way I am.
I’ve had people tell me
“I don’t know how you do it”.
I give out
I’m ok with that.
I have little ups
I have little downs,
I think that’s life, isn’t it?

I think things
I’ve only been out six months
I didn’t realise quite how much it changes
I thought
“I wish I was back in”.
I don’t know.
I talk a lot of shit sometimes.

I’ve not been idle.
I was back in work.
I work Monday to Friday.
I was first
I was a bit,
I don’t know if
I want to do this
I’ve no confidence
I’ve driven for years.
I couldn’t find it,
I’d get all flustered.
Now, I don’t care.
I’m very good, but that’s what
I’ve always done,
I’m petrified someone Googles me.
I don’t even use my surname
I’ve got that fear
I actually
I told them
I don’t care,
but I must care
I don’t identify as that.

I don’t have a moral high-ground anymore.
I’ve lost it.
I am scum
unless you’re in it and
you’ve gone though that system
I make all these plans and then
I remember, shit,
you can’t do that

I’d live in a caravan
I’d just do pottery
I’ve got no interest in that anymore.
I’ve got four bloody dogs,
I’m not going to camp
I get that.
I think there’s a lot of resentment
I understand it, but
you can only beat someone for so long,
can’t you?
I’ll say
I’m the one who went in jail
I know it affects you,
I don’t get that
I understand it.
I get
you put us in this mess.
I get it always.

I hate my life,
I do.
I’m made to feel like a complete prick
I just want to say
will you fuck off.
I know you can’t,
that’s how I feel…

I never had
you didn’t have to pretend there
You could just be
who you are,
you don’t get that anywhere
I don’t think you do.
I don’t think anyone does
I’ve got nothing
I’m not saying
I didn’t get anything from it,
I don’t think so,
you could talk to, really talk to,

I’m six months coming at home
When I first came home
I was asking
when I first came home
I would be
“is it alright if I get a shower Marion?”,
I was very unsure of myself.
you don’t know what to do with yourself.
I had two weeks 
I went back to work,
“what am I going to do?”.
I didn’t even know how to be with my wife
I know
when you’ve been with someone a long time,
you know them.
I know there’s all this burning resentment,
I know it’s there,
I just don’t know

you’ve been in there for two years and
you’ve lived your life a certain way,
you come home,
you’ve got all this freedom and
you don’t go out the house.
I still don’t.
I’ve not had one friend come to see me
I haven’t got any friends,
I’m ok with that.
I got home,
I was sat on the front there,
you could see him talking
I was just looking at his mouth moving,
I had this little bubble in my head
“why are you talking to me?”
I thought “just stop talking”.
I haven’t seen him since.
I don’t know 
I don’t think
I’m happy yet, no.
I was like this before,
I think.

I absolutely love it [pottery]
I could spend all day,
I come home from work 
I’m down the garage
I’m down there
I love it.
I can’t get enough of it.
I need the day job
I need an income.
I can make this go,
I can then say
“see, told you”.