Red Pen

I’m using a red pen
It means you’re naughty,
 
I have feelings
I stabilised.
I stabilised
I got to
I knew
I had support
I used it
I was in a good place.
 
I was getting into the niche of things
I had to do that.
I feel like
I’m just stabilising.
How shall I put it?
I think negative
I look at that
I see the red pen
 
I just felt
I was accepted into the community
I spend a lot of time by myself
that’s how I like it.
I thrive in that time.
 
I’m not quite sure where
I was thinking it was going to take me.
I was just enjoying every day really.
I have enjoyed every day.
I felt as though
I was suited and booted
I was equipped.
I’d done loads of courses.
I was suited and booted
I was
 
I like passive friendships.
I’m not into best buddies
I’ve done all that.
I think
I don’t really need any friends
I guess
I have got friends,
I’ve got what you call people like family, that’s different.
I’ve got that
I’ve got my friends
I kind of keep at arm’s length
I don’t go to pubs or clubs,
I don’t drink.
I’ve got a nice life now.
 
You know,
It’s something you can feel, isn’t it?
You’re feeling it.
I think of all my organs
I think of red. If
I’m calm,
I think of mauve.
I’ve painted one of my walls mauve
red is just about what I feel inside.
I thought about. If
I thought about it for a little bit longer,
I think my age has gone to my benefit.
I think that naturally
I’ve changed with age really.
 
I thought about the ideal scenario
you know,
the year before I was released,
I went to view where
I’m living now, on a day out.
I thought
I’ve got to have that.
That’s the lifestyle I want.
I know
I’ve worked for it.
I know
I’ve been a little bit lucky as well.
 
I left prison
I was released,
I was approached
“I would like to mentor you on release,
how do you feel about that?”
I didn’t think about it too long
I said, “yes please”.
I had my place to live,
I had a mentor
 
I think it would’ve been quite difficult.
I never met …
I probably would’ve gone
I probably would’ve been sent back
To be honest with you,
I can’t really imagine coming out
I would’ve had to have
 
before I was released,
I hit this wall
I hit this wall
I was ramped up to the eyeballs with courses,
  rehabilitation, thinking and all this stuff.
I needed a release and the only release was to be released.
I’d done everything above board,
I couldn’t do no more
I was
 
I know
I see it.
 I’m still like them.
I’ve been where they are
I think
I can understand them
I’ll never forget, who I was
I’ll never turn my back
I see someone
I know from the past and the prison
I was at
I live.
 “how are you doing,
are you alright?”.
I would never turn my back on my old self 
I also think about my old self every day.
I don’t punish myself these days.
I have done in the past.
I’ve still got regrets,
I’m accepting it
I see someone
I don’t say
I gravitate
I can’t have them as friends
You just can’t.
I go “alright mate?”.
I might even sit down
I do a lot.
I just deal with my past
 
be kind to yourself, because if
you can’t do that,
you’ve got problems.
I should imagine
I can’t pinpoint it.
I always knew change started from within.